STORIES AND ANECDOTES

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STORIES AND ANECDOTES

Post  Aflatoon on Wed Dec 22, 2010 1:43 am

Yes, dollinks, it's still a strange old world out there since I last wrote and weird shit does happen... So here're some strange Fluffy stories...In one, I'm a kidnap victim, in another, I touch God and in the last one, I meet a guru. New anecdote 03/15/2007.

Anecdote #1: My aunt AnnMari is Estonian/German. She escaped during WWII from Estonia into what was to become East Germany at age 12. It was a dramatic and harrowing escape and a border guard tore a necklace from her neck. She then crossed from East Germany into West Germany several years later, then on to the US at age 20.

She, and I and my cousin, were in Victoria, BC, doing the tourist thang a few years ago. Victoria has a lot more buskers, junkies and pan handlers than it used to have. This one girl, looked fairly well kept in a cute little sun suit and all that, came up to us and asked us for money. My cousin and I just shook our heads and kept walking. The girl unwisely started to follow us whining about how tough her life was. She came up to my Aunt and started in with this crap. My Aunt turned to her and said: " you think you had it rough? I came to zis countree mit VUN suitcase." (Aunt Ann has a very light pleasant accent generally but this girl was really pissing her off so the accent got stronger) "Vun suitcase!!" The girl kept whining and Aunt Ann kept making the point again and again so it sounded like this.

whine whine whine
I come to zis countreee...
whine whine!
Mit VUN suitcase
but...whi...me me me me
VUN! VUN SUITCASE!
AND YOU DARE TO TELL ME HOW TOUGH YOUR LIFE IS?

Eventually this dipshit druggie took off. By then my cousin and I were about rolling on the ground laughing. I hope the druggie learned a valuable lesson. I can't think of a better person to teach her than Aunt AnnMarie.

Anecdote #2) When I was in grade school, maybe about 7or 8 years old, I used to walk to and from school and sometimes go home for lunch. (This was handy because nuns who wanted to scream at and beat little kids ran the lunch room. So canned soup and wonda bread sammiches at home were infinitely preferable...) We had this crossing guard named Mrs. L who I never really liked. She smelled like medicine and talked to me in a way I didn't much care for. One day I was leaving to walk home and she came staggering up (and since my Mommy and Daddy rarely drank, I did not recognize the behavior) to me and said I shouldn't be allowed to walk home by myself so she took me to her house. Since she was an authority figure and not a stranger, I obeyed her. We sat in this icy parlor on rock hard sofas and chairs with doilies on them. There was a big dish of candy on the coffee table which I eyed hungrily, but I wasn't invited to take any of it. She told me to call my Dad to come get me. He didn't have a car but we only were just down the street from this lunatic souse, so shouldn't have taken too long. He worked odd jobs and nights at the time, plus resented any time away from napping or other expressions of his own personal comfort. So he grunted something that vaguely sounded likehe'd be there. So time passed...and passed...and passed. The clock went tick, tock, tick, tock, and I sat there in my little Catholic school uniform with my scrawny little legs and knobby scabby knees crossed. Mr. and Mrs. L stared at me. I stared at the candy. Then Mr. and Mrs. L stared at me some more. I longingly gazed at the candy. Nobody said anything but there was a whole lot of staring going on, so that was interesting- you know- in an uninteresting sort of way. A couple times during the stare-fest (this was excellent preparatory training for my later lifestyle choice as a Scientologist!) Mrs. L would drunkenly tell me to call my Daddy again. And I would do so and he'd snap at me for calling him again. It was really cool being a pawn between two stupid and selfish authority figures, boyz'n'galz!! You know- in an uncool sort of way. So finally Daddy came and grudgingly collected me from Mrs. L's place. Then that night, he and Mom and I all went out to a diner to eat and on the way home, I remember him saying to my mother in that knowing way that clueless adults like to effect "I'm telling you, Denise, you could just about smell the alcohol over the phone!" whereupon I chirped, "could you really, Daddy? People can do that?", thinking I was learning some new and exciting science. I was then hushed, my parents now realizing that Little Pitchers Have Big Ears.

Anecdote #3) I had my First Communion around the same time. The nuns told us that this was God we were ingesting and that we should never ever touch Him. They also said that if we bit down on the Host that our mouths would fill with blood. I never had the courage to test this... Anyway, being a devout little kid, (a few years earlier at being told that God was in the tabernacle, I ran shrieking "HI GOD!!" down the church aisle.)I wanted to touch God. Just once. I was sure He'd understand. So I came back to the pew where Daddy was- he and I were at Mass together- and I stuck my finger in my mouth, swished it around and got a big ol' wad o' God on my finger. Immediately I was aghast. What had I done! God was going to be really really mad! So I put it back, swallowed it, and, in utter terror and urgency, pulled at my Daddy's sleeve. "Dad! Dad! I touched it!! Oh no, I touched it!" "Touched what?"hissed my Dad back irritably. "It! It! I touched it!! I touched the host! I touched God!! He's gonna be mad!" My Dad made a sort of strangled snickering noise and said that he'd take me to confession after Mass and- mmph, mmph- just don't do it again! So I went to confession. "Bless me father, etc" So the priest asked me my sin and I said "Father! Father! I touched it!! I touched it!! God's gonna be really mad!" and he said "Touched what?" And I told him the same thing I told my Dad. Once he figured out what I was talking about, he also made the same muffled strangled snickering noise that my Dad had made, (there was a lot of that going around) and said "mmmph mmmph...just don't do it again!"

Anecdote #4) I went to a gathering, invited by my Dad, and it was at this man's house on the Hudson. My Dad told met that an Indian Guru was going to be there and people could talk to him. So I went there, and the guru (who I later found out was Sri Prahlad Chandra Brahmachari) was there, as was the noted actor Alan Arkin, who was giving off "don't come bug me just because I'm a world famous actor, I'm here for the guru, dammit." vibes - and I did oblige him in that and did not come up to Mr. Arkin. So this teeny tiny Indian man was seated at the base of a big tree. He did not speak English, or at least, not too much. So someone translated. He kept going into samadhi and his heart would stop or get close to that point, so his acolytes had to keep jostling him to keep him from dying. (he died maybe a year later). He spoke about seeing his first American movie because he wanted to see what his friend did for a living. He said he saw Star Wars III- the Empire Strikes Back. People in the crowd were very excited and said "ask him what he thinks of Yoda!" which was totally cute. So at one point, probably before the talk, everyone present kind of marched around in a circle chanting "Jai Guru, Jai Guru", which means "hail, Teacher." So then each of us came up to him, offered him a vegetable or piece of fruit as a symbolic exchange for the wisdom wewere about to receive and we each received a benediction. Children under, say, 12, (and there were some very serious looking young preteens there who obviously thought of themselves and were treated as adults) got hard candies and a big smile, adults got a blessing, he'd lay his hand upon the person's head. I was an adult and a newlywed at the time. I was slightly built but no way would anyone have taken me for ten years old or less. So when it came my turn, he opened his hand and there were quite a few candies in it, and he gave me the biggest and sweetest smile. So I took just one candy. (Mom raised me right, ya know.) and he gestured that I should take all of them. So not only was I the only adult to get candy and the child's blessing, but I got waaay more candy than the other kids!

Aflatoon

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